This week I've been without Brooke...she went on a vacation with her Grammie and Papa! And I could totally be the mom that says that it was nice to have a little time to myself, nice to give Tyler some extra attention, nice to not have activities to run to...And although all of that was true it finally hit us (by us I mean Lou, Tyler and myself) last night that we miss Brooke, her fun, silly sometimes bold and brash behavior. We missed her crazy ideas, we missed her keeping Tyler busy, we missed the silly stories, the cuddles and maybe just the 'business' of the house. We missed the good night book reading and tucking her in and yes, making her bed. We missed taking her to dance and work and her music. I missed her demands and maybe even her lectures on how I need to be a better mom...
So come home Brooke...Don't worry, I'll let you go again, just next time you must take your brother, because he sure is lonely without you!
It is amazing how you can be busy, like really busy but then you still realize you would have lost that much more sleep just to have the kids around...not sure how I'll handle college...good thing I still have some years before dealing with that!
06 August 2011
03 August 2011
Running...
I'm asked...on a daily basis almost, why I'm so addicted to running, why I run, why do I 'hate' my body so much. I don't typically have a great answer...usually something to the effect that it gives me quiet time or it is much like therapy or I just need to keep moving. I read an article today that I totally identified with...ok, not all of it, but it explains a lot about my running addiction...
"I’ve learned that I associate running with my best self. When I go through a dry spell, not training, it indicates that the rest of my life is a little messy or worn down. Running strips away something like what Virginia Woolf called “the cotton wool of everyday life” so that there is nothing between my intimate insides and the air and light and landscape unfurling under my sneaker treads. It’s release through motion."
Basically saying that I'm truly myself when I'm running. Even when I struggle with a workout or have unknown pain I still am the best version of me and I strive to be that person more and more often. I want to be the best version of myself more that I want to be identified otherwise. I encourage people to come run with me...not sure if I want them to see the best version of themselves, or if I want them to witness the best version of me; it is probably a combination of both. So there it is...that is why I run!
"My husband teases me about my obsession with running: the blogs, the books, the GPS watch, the shoes, the fartleks, the ice bath, and the tapers. These are the trappings of a cultish devotion, a way to burrow deeper into an identity that I am breathlessly gleeful and grateful to claim: that of a runner."
I'm not sure I could have said this any better myself...People shake their heads at me when I say I'll just go for a run or I need a hill workout etc...or they joke that they will join me. They don't yet understand the 'cultish devotion' that keeps me coming back! They don't understand that the sore muscles and tight ligaments are a sort of badge of honor that I wear proudly. And that is why I keep going back...week after week, day after day.
So, yes, I could say it is the therapy and the quiet time away from everything and the hope and the challenge of running further and faster. And, yes, there is gratification and emotion when you finish a race for a few seconds the world is a fabulous place and meeting goals has its perks.
There you have it...that is why I run!
"I’ve learned that I associate running with my best self. When I go through a dry spell, not training, it indicates that the rest of my life is a little messy or worn down. Running strips away something like what Virginia Woolf called “the cotton wool of everyday life” so that there is nothing between my intimate insides and the air and light and landscape unfurling under my sneaker treads. It’s release through motion."
Basically saying that I'm truly myself when I'm running. Even when I struggle with a workout or have unknown pain I still am the best version of me and I strive to be that person more and more often. I want to be the best version of myself more that I want to be identified otherwise. I encourage people to come run with me...not sure if I want them to see the best version of themselves, or if I want them to witness the best version of me; it is probably a combination of both. So there it is...that is why I run!
"My husband teases me about my obsession with running: the blogs, the books, the GPS watch, the shoes, the fartleks, the ice bath, and the tapers. These are the trappings of a cultish devotion, a way to burrow deeper into an identity that I am breathlessly gleeful and grateful to claim: that of a runner."
I'm not sure I could have said this any better myself...People shake their heads at me when I say I'll just go for a run or I need a hill workout etc...or they joke that they will join me. They don't yet understand the 'cultish devotion' that keeps me coming back! They don't understand that the sore muscles and tight ligaments are a sort of badge of honor that I wear proudly. And that is why I keep going back...week after week, day after day.
So, yes, I could say it is the therapy and the quiet time away from everything and the hope and the challenge of running further and faster. And, yes, there is gratification and emotion when you finish a race for a few seconds the world is a fabulous place and meeting goals has its perks.
There you have it...that is why I run!
09 July 2011
I've had a moment!
Yesterday, while listening to a well educated person speak (I know, I should have been doing something a little more constructive or productive) I had one of those moments! One of those light bulb type things where your world all of a sudden makes sense! This could get to be a little long winded as I explain the whole enlightening experience!
So, lets start with this friend. I have a friend who, I think, lacks confidence and questions her decisions on a daily basis. Always wondering if she is going to offend someone and is always looking for acceptance. I've tried to mention to her (as nicely as possible) that we are old enough that we need to be confident in our decisions and know ourselves well enough that if someone else is offended we weren't meant to be friends with them in the first place. After those pep talks went to a black hole I finally had decided that avoidance of the situation was warranted. Anytime said friend would call I would avoid it, Lou would answer or voicemail and if we were to see each other I would just cut the conversation short. After many pep talks from Lou I was told that I had to continue to help her along, after all there was a reason she was brought into my life...
Then as of recently (and as I think everyone I come in contact with knows) I've recently ramped up my entries into races (yes running!) and challenges (yes again on foot) and I've done this all on my own (no one pushing me) and have yet to figure out the reasoning. So far since May I've done a 1/2 marathon, a 5K, the Tough Mudder and then I have at least 2 more 1/2 marathons and another 5K scheduled. I'm not sure why because I don't need more motivation to go to the gym (ok maybe this week but not normally) and I think I'm currently happy about my fitness level!
So bring me to this speech and it starts out saying 'everyone in this world is here for connection.' While I'm still asking myself why I'm taking the time for this. 'We all need connection with other people otherwise we have nothing. If we can't identify with another, can't compare notes or simply be able to have a relationship with another we have nothing.' Ok, so maybe I take this for granted. I've always had people I connect with, identify with, struggle with, have fun with...I have always had 'connections' and maybe I don't understand the feeling of not having this. The lady goes on 'Also, as people we are all vulnerable and it is how we deal with this vulnerability on how we as people continue to grow and have connections.' Let me explain what she goes on to say in my own words...There are two different people in this world. Those that feel worthy and know that they have a reason for people to love/like them and those that don't. There are those that are not afraid to take chances or make choices because in the end they know they are worthy of the outcome. There are those that can not jump out of the comfort zone because they don't feel like they are 'worthy.' This is where my mind wonders and I say to myself how sad for them to live so closed in because no one ever gave them the reassurance they needed to feel worthy. But back to my moment! She says that when people are faced with a vulnerable situation there are people that look at the situation and jump in head first and then the 'non worthy' people that turn and cower from it all. And sometimes these people take a situation of vulnerability and try to skim around it so many different ways that nothing is ever accomplished. So...immediately it jumps out at me! I'm finally confident enough in my choices, in my worthiness, that I'm not afraid to sign up for these races/challenges and find out the outcome and I'm not afraid of what the outcome might be! How exciting that it has only taken me 31 years to figure this out. Here all this time I thought maybe it was the validation I needed but in the end it is just that I'm not afraid of the outcome. Don't get me wrong, on the Tough Mudder there was some probing and stuff but in the end I went...Recently (or maybe not so recently) a friend told me not to be afraid to get older because you just grow more confidence and life becomes much more fun because you aren't worried about what other people think, or maybe you just don't care what other people think! How true this statement is!
For the other part of the 'moment' and probably the more important! There are people in this world that are not confident or don't feel worthy or don't face 'vulnerability' with the same grace and eagerness that I do and I need to respect those people. I need to learn to understand that those people need 'connections' just as much as I do and maybe they need a little probing along the way to show them that vulnerable situations aren't that bad! If you noticed I'm not blaming childhoods or previous experience or anything...everyone has their own journey through this world but we are all brought together for a reason and perhaps if we were all a little more knowledgeable about things then we wouldn't be so quick to run when people say or do something that we don't agree with! These people seem less confident and are always need reassurance and acceptance and maybe it is time that I learn to be the person accepting and reassuring!
So my moment...I guess in the end I feel better about my friend, that just needs the confidence that many of us posses all on our own...hopefully this will make me a better friend, better person, better parent. I'm not sure, but for that brief moment of clarity I did realize that we all struggle and it is alright to be the person helping instead of the one needing help!
So, lets start with this friend. I have a friend who, I think, lacks confidence and questions her decisions on a daily basis. Always wondering if she is going to offend someone and is always looking for acceptance. I've tried to mention to her (as nicely as possible) that we are old enough that we need to be confident in our decisions and know ourselves well enough that if someone else is offended we weren't meant to be friends with them in the first place. After those pep talks went to a black hole I finally had decided that avoidance of the situation was warranted. Anytime said friend would call I would avoid it, Lou would answer or voicemail and if we were to see each other I would just cut the conversation short. After many pep talks from Lou I was told that I had to continue to help her along, after all there was a reason she was brought into my life...
Then as of recently (and as I think everyone I come in contact with knows) I've recently ramped up my entries into races (yes running!) and challenges (yes again on foot) and I've done this all on my own (no one pushing me) and have yet to figure out the reasoning. So far since May I've done a 1/2 marathon, a 5K, the Tough Mudder and then I have at least 2 more 1/2 marathons and another 5K scheduled. I'm not sure why because I don't need more motivation to go to the gym (ok maybe this week but not normally) and I think I'm currently happy about my fitness level!
So bring me to this speech and it starts out saying 'everyone in this world is here for connection.' While I'm still asking myself why I'm taking the time for this. 'We all need connection with other people otherwise we have nothing. If we can't identify with another, can't compare notes or simply be able to have a relationship with another we have nothing.' Ok, so maybe I take this for granted. I've always had people I connect with, identify with, struggle with, have fun with...I have always had 'connections' and maybe I don't understand the feeling of not having this. The lady goes on 'Also, as people we are all vulnerable and it is how we deal with this vulnerability on how we as people continue to grow and have connections.' Let me explain what she goes on to say in my own words...There are two different people in this world. Those that feel worthy and know that they have a reason for people to love/like them and those that don't. There are those that are not afraid to take chances or make choices because in the end they know they are worthy of the outcome. There are those that can not jump out of the comfort zone because they don't feel like they are 'worthy.' This is where my mind wonders and I say to myself how sad for them to live so closed in because no one ever gave them the reassurance they needed to feel worthy. But back to my moment! She says that when people are faced with a vulnerable situation there are people that look at the situation and jump in head first and then the 'non worthy' people that turn and cower from it all. And sometimes these people take a situation of vulnerability and try to skim around it so many different ways that nothing is ever accomplished. So...immediately it jumps out at me! I'm finally confident enough in my choices, in my worthiness, that I'm not afraid to sign up for these races/challenges and find out the outcome and I'm not afraid of what the outcome might be! How exciting that it has only taken me 31 years to figure this out. Here all this time I thought maybe it was the validation I needed but in the end it is just that I'm not afraid of the outcome. Don't get me wrong, on the Tough Mudder there was some probing and stuff but in the end I went...Recently (or maybe not so recently) a friend told me not to be afraid to get older because you just grow more confidence and life becomes much more fun because you aren't worried about what other people think, or maybe you just don't care what other people think! How true this statement is!
For the other part of the 'moment' and probably the more important! There are people in this world that are not confident or don't feel worthy or don't face 'vulnerability' with the same grace and eagerness that I do and I need to respect those people. I need to learn to understand that those people need 'connections' just as much as I do and maybe they need a little probing along the way to show them that vulnerable situations aren't that bad! If you noticed I'm not blaming childhoods or previous experience or anything...everyone has their own journey through this world but we are all brought together for a reason and perhaps if we were all a little more knowledgeable about things then we wouldn't be so quick to run when people say or do something that we don't agree with! These people seem less confident and are always need reassurance and acceptance and maybe it is time that I learn to be the person accepting and reassuring!
So my moment...I guess in the end I feel better about my friend, that just needs the confidence that many of us posses all on our own...hopefully this will make me a better friend, better person, better parent. I'm not sure, but for that brief moment of clarity I did realize that we all struggle and it is alright to be the person helping instead of the one needing help!
06 July 2011
4th of July
I don't have any great words...great thoughts or ideas or any running tribulations...
We had a great holiday with the kids. They enjoyed all the activities that we had planned which was very exciting considering the last week we had with them.
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We (by we I mean they) went fishing...luckily they didn't catch anything...otherwise I'm afraid they wouldn't be so happy!
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We (this time it really is we) decorated bikes for the annual parade!
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They ate pie in a pie eating contest...Brooke : This tastes gross and I have to get my face dirty! Not impressed!
Tyler... He tried everything...driving the tractor...playing kickball, jumping in the jumping castle, swimming, biking, fishing...I'm a little nervous what this guy has in store for me in a few years.
We had a great holiday with the kids. They enjoyed all the activities that we had planned which was very exciting considering the last week we had with them.
Tyler... He tried everything...driving the tractor...playing kickball, jumping in the jumping castle, swimming, biking, fishing...I'm a little nervous what this guy has in store for me in a few years.
27 June 2011
The Tough Mudder Challenge
Well after serious self convincing to get up Saturday morning to meet my fellow teammates, we competed in the 1st Tough Mudder Challenge in Colorado at Beaver Creek Resort. While a beautiful facility, I (and my butt) have a new appreciation for the steepness of those 'hills.' We had a late start time (the race is set up to start 500 people every 20 min) so we watched at the finish line with the electroshock therapy. This was more than likely a giant mistake! We watched people get shocked, convulse to the ground and have a hard time get back up. But then there were others that just ran right through it like it was no problem.
Anyway, we started with the Tough Mudder Mantra that mudders don't whine, kids whine...something else about team spirit and helping out your fellow man and taking on the toughest event on the planet. All the while I'm thinking that I just want to be fit, not sure I need all this extra stuff! Off we go, starting out with a nice downhill jog...Then starts the first hill...and just like a 14er there are many false peaks that make you believe that your at the top. But at this point spirits are good and upbeat, although with the altitude and length of the hill, it by far was not easy but with good vibrations anything is possible. A few obstacles and 3 miles later we run into a sign that says if you were doing the Warrior Dash you would be done by now...I still felt great at that point, I'm gonna be fine right? Then comes along the 'Swamp Stomp' where you jump into a 36 degree pond and wade your way across, cold -- yes, giant rocks in the bottom -- yes that would be the point of a few bruises. Out we go, no big deal. Turn the corner only to have to get back into the cold pond and swim under some barrels. I'm thinking that as long as I can touch the bottom I'll be alright. Under the first barrels -- can't touch, can't see anything, colder than cold, not sure which way to go, second set of barrels -- still can't touch, looking for a way out starting to have a really hard time breathing the only way out is to go through the 3rd set...People are trying to help me out of the water and give me a warming sheet...I just need to keep moving, where is the path, where do I go. Super disoriented I then have to carry a log around in the mountains. Things did improve slightly until this 'jacuzzi' thing. That same cold water only ice and other 'stuff' added to turn me blue. The problem. My legs wouldn't listen to my brain to actually help get out of this tub...My brother had to jump back in to help me out. Many things are just a blur after that. It was hill after hill after giant hill. Many times of wet and cold...never hot. I never complained once of being hot. This challenge was never ending. I never felt like we would actually see the electroshock therapy and the finish line. Eventually it did come around and after watching my teammates go through and after all the other obstacles of the day I politely walked around. Guess what? They still gave me the coveted orange headband, they still gave me the beer and the shirt and all the proof I will ever need to show that I'm a Tough Mudder. At this point I'm not sure if that is something I'm proud of or something that just goes to show that I'll try anything once!
My sister, the one that never signed up is currently jealous...saying I should do it with her next year. After signing my death waiver once, I'm a little skittish about doing this all over again, however, I now know what to expect and could very well be better prepared for this. After all, how many times have all of us said never again and how short of memories we all carry!
The Tough Mudder was hard, not only physically but mentally. The Tough Mudder was great team building and meeting other crazy or idiotic folk just like yourself and in the end I'm glad I had that serious convincing conversation with myself Saturday morning. I'm glad that I participated and survived with many sore muscles, sunburn and more bruises and scrapes that I can count. It was totally worth it, the sense of accomplishment and to be among the few people that actually finish makes it all worth it!
Anyway, we started with the Tough Mudder Mantra that mudders don't whine, kids whine...something else about team spirit and helping out your fellow man and taking on the toughest event on the planet. All the while I'm thinking that I just want to be fit, not sure I need all this extra stuff! Off we go, starting out with a nice downhill jog...Then starts the first hill...and just like a 14er there are many false peaks that make you believe that your at the top. But at this point spirits are good and upbeat, although with the altitude and length of the hill, it by far was not easy but with good vibrations anything is possible. A few obstacles and 3 miles later we run into a sign that says if you were doing the Warrior Dash you would be done by now...I still felt great at that point, I'm gonna be fine right? Then comes along the 'Swamp Stomp' where you jump into a 36 degree pond and wade your way across, cold -- yes, giant rocks in the bottom -- yes that would be the point of a few bruises. Out we go, no big deal. Turn the corner only to have to get back into the cold pond and swim under some barrels. I'm thinking that as long as I can touch the bottom I'll be alright. Under the first barrels -- can't touch, can't see anything, colder than cold, not sure which way to go, second set of barrels -- still can't touch, looking for a way out starting to have a really hard time breathing the only way out is to go through the 3rd set...People are trying to help me out of the water and give me a warming sheet...I just need to keep moving, where is the path, where do I go. Super disoriented I then have to carry a log around in the mountains. Things did improve slightly until this 'jacuzzi' thing. That same cold water only ice and other 'stuff' added to turn me blue. The problem. My legs wouldn't listen to my brain to actually help get out of this tub...My brother had to jump back in to help me out. Many things are just a blur after that. It was hill after hill after giant hill. Many times of wet and cold...never hot. I never complained once of being hot. This challenge was never ending. I never felt like we would actually see the electroshock therapy and the finish line. Eventually it did come around and after watching my teammates go through and after all the other obstacles of the day I politely walked around. Guess what? They still gave me the coveted orange headband, they still gave me the beer and the shirt and all the proof I will ever need to show that I'm a Tough Mudder. At this point I'm not sure if that is something I'm proud of or something that just goes to show that I'll try anything once!
My sister, the one that never signed up is currently jealous...saying I should do it with her next year. After signing my death waiver once, I'm a little skittish about doing this all over again, however, I now know what to expect and could very well be better prepared for this. After all, how many times have all of us said never again and how short of memories we all carry!
The Tough Mudder was hard, not only physically but mentally. The Tough Mudder was great team building and meeting other crazy or idiotic folk just like yourself and in the end I'm glad I had that serious convincing conversation with myself Saturday morning. I'm glad that I participated and survived with many sore muscles, sunburn and more bruises and scrapes that I can count. It was totally worth it, the sense of accomplishment and to be among the few people that actually finish makes it all worth it!
20 June 2011
Running a Father's Day 5k
Yet another busy weekend...I decided to overcome my fear of the unknown and run a 5k yesterday...First one since I've been training steadily...My last 5k was Thanksgiving, last year... I ran a 30:29 which honestly I was more than a little disappointed with at the time. Now looking back at my history, I cut off about 4 minutes from the previous 5K...so not bad...yesterday I ran a 26:51 which placed me 8th in females 30-39. I'm happy with that...to know that I can run 8:40 minute miles for that long does boost the confidence a little. If I remember correctly my best mile in junior high (lots of years ago) was a 7:53. I'm starting to think I may be able to do that with enough practice and track workouts. Maybe another 5K in August/September just to see where I'm at. And I'm not saying that an 8 minute mile 5K would get me first in my division but maybe 2nd. I would be ok with that...Baby steps...
Anyway, after my exciting 5K Lou and I took the kids swimming, for a bike ride and then I ran my remaining 5 miles for the day. All in all it was great...my muscles are currently fatigued and by butt is sore from sitting on a bike seat. I'm sure things will get better soon!
From here...I'm doing a mile repeat track workout on Tuesday. I have not done one of those since the fall...hopefully it doesn't kill me. Then off to the Tough Mudder challenge on Saturday (I'm still wondering what the heck I was thinking when I signed up for this one!) And 8 miles on Sunday...
From here with the kids...we are looking forward to getting structure back in the kids' day since school has been out. My thinking that track, soccer and dance would keep them busy enough has backfired a little. Instead the nightly activities have worn them out to the point where they are mostly crabby. I've since had to make a few changes and hopefully things smooth out for the next two months before school starts again!
Anyway, after my exciting 5K Lou and I took the kids swimming, for a bike ride and then I ran my remaining 5 miles for the day. All in all it was great...my muscles are currently fatigued and by butt is sore from sitting on a bike seat. I'm sure things will get better soon!
From here...I'm doing a mile repeat track workout on Tuesday. I have not done one of those since the fall...hopefully it doesn't kill me. Then off to the Tough Mudder challenge on Saturday (I'm still wondering what the heck I was thinking when I signed up for this one!) And 8 miles on Sunday...
From here with the kids...we are looking forward to getting structure back in the kids' day since school has been out. My thinking that track, soccer and dance would keep them busy enough has backfired a little. Instead the nightly activities have worn them out to the point where they are mostly crabby. I've since had to make a few changes and hopefully things smooth out for the next two months before school starts again!
17 June 2011
Weekly tribulations...
This week started off just like any other summer week...just run of the mill happenings that one can deal with. Tuesday's track workout was overly difficult (probably just for me) as I had back / hip issues going on. Wednesday my kids completely melted down. Go 2 weeks without the structure of school and they don't know what to do with themselves. We then followed that up with Tyler getting a rash / welt / itchy red spots that move all over his body. Kinda get that all under control and then Brooke receives some news that devastated her. ( I know that is not difficult to an 8 year old, but it was hard for me to watch. ) Then while at work this morning I got some not so fabulous news. I even called Louis and cried...which I can honestly say I haven't done in years. And it wasn't even that terrible of news...just something I didn't want to hear.
So I guess I'm looking forward, life will look better if I continue to look forward instead of behind me...Sunday I'm doing my first 5K since I've started doing well with my running. I secretly probably have some goals but after this week I'll be happy just to finish.
So I guess I'm looking forward, life will look better if I continue to look forward instead of behind me...Sunday I'm doing my first 5K since I've started doing well with my running. I secretly probably have some goals but after this week I'll be happy just to finish.
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