Tutor needed!

As I do after any time that I go through a particular stressful or eventful time, I try to process the situation and think about what lesson I should be learning or what can I take from this to help me in the future. Starting last Monday I have had a crazy stress filled week -- Tyler was sick, throwing up -- so I stayed home with him, stressed that I'm not at work, getting things done. Tuesday after work I had to Coach for Girls on the Run and then Tyler had church classes (wasn't sure how I was going to get him there) and luckily Brooke's dance was cancelled as was Tyler's soccer practice. Wednesday I had to leave work early again for a food study that I got myself into. And then there was Accountability and PTA and piano (my first 1/2 of lesson in over 20 years -- and yes I've been practicing!) and dance. Thursday was coaching again, then dance rehearsal, then soccer practice, then a dinner date. Friday was dance competition until late, Saturday was dance competition until late and then an early early morning Sunday at the dance competition until late again. Oh yeah, then there was Brooke's birthday in there and how do you let an 11 year old go unnoticed?

 

This is her dance costume in the dance that is dedicated to all the victims from the Colorado Floods

 

 

Brooke and her friend Ciara ..

 

 

Her Birthday cake!

 

 

Since we were at competition all weekend ... we had to celebrate there ... there is a tiny smile from her, which actually says a lot!

 

 

Stretching before her solo!

Since it was her birthday she convinced some of her friends to come watch her! I think that may have made her day!

 

 

And exhaustion has set in!

 

I'm not sure I know what the lesson is that I'm supposed to learn, or why I put so much stress on myself... But hopefully I can figure out a little rest for this week and figure out how to schedule a little better for next time. Or maybe Lou and I are going to learn to have to say the word "no." We may need to invest in a tutor to teach us that. 

 

 

 

If you really, really knew me ...

If you really, really knew me you would know that I struggle immensely with the battle of trying to be perfect. Yes, I know that I try on an almost daily basis to convince Brooke that she doesn't need to be perfect. Everyone makes mistakes, everyone has bad days, everyone messes up and it is ok, its how we learn and grow and move forward as humans. Why, then is it so difficult to forgive those silly mistakes and move forward? And in my quest to make up for those mistakes I have formed this person that does too much. Too much to the point that there is nothing left for me. And is this new person really making up for past mistakes or just making myself a stressed out human? And sometimes I say that I do these things for the kids, but am I really? Especially when my own kids aren't even there to benefit. And how in the world do I expect to 'make a better place for the kids' when I don't even know what a better place looks/feel like?

Most people know that I volunteer a lot, at school, at the dance studio, with soccer, running clubs, working with young girls and the list goes on. I also work, full time (or try to) and try to be a fantastic mom and wife. And I guess I should re-evaluate, why do I think I need to be fantastic? Wouldn't great be fine also?

And I guess the bigger question is do the kids really want me to do this much stuff or do I do it out of obligation? And what is that obligation exactly? And is all of this stemming from me just needing a pity party for myself?

I guess we all have those days where we don't want to be the strong ones anymore, we don't want to keep trying when everyone else just gives up and maybe "a good sleep and a long laugh" will fix me. Maybe after I get through yet another crazy weekend I can figure life out?

These questions were raised by a blogger named Rachel who wrote about being asked this same question and how it brought her clarity to finally speak it out loud. Was she fixed? Not really, but she was reminded that clarity and forgiveness can only really happen when you admit what is bothering you. So here I am, fellow human. I'm admitting that I have issues and I'm putting pen to paper (or keyboard to screen) and searching for the inner clarity to allow me to continue for at least a few more months...