If you really, really knew me ...

If you really, really knew me you would know that I struggle immensely with the battle of trying to be perfect. Yes, I know that I try on an almost daily basis to convince Brooke that she doesn't need to be perfect. Everyone makes mistakes, everyone has bad days, everyone messes up and it is ok, its how we learn and grow and move forward as humans. Why, then is it so difficult to forgive those silly mistakes and move forward? And in my quest to make up for those mistakes I have formed this person that does too much. Too much to the point that there is nothing left for me. And is this new person really making up for past mistakes or just making myself a stressed out human? And sometimes I say that I do these things for the kids, but am I really? Especially when my own kids aren't even there to benefit. And how in the world do I expect to 'make a better place for the kids' when I don't even know what a better place looks/feel like?

Most people know that I volunteer a lot, at school, at the dance studio, with soccer, running clubs, working with young girls and the list goes on. I also work, full time (or try to) and try to be a fantastic mom and wife. And I guess I should re-evaluate, why do I think I need to be fantastic? Wouldn't great be fine also?

And I guess the bigger question is do the kids really want me to do this much stuff or do I do it out of obligation? And what is that obligation exactly? And is all of this stemming from me just needing a pity party for myself?

I guess we all have those days where we don't want to be the strong ones anymore, we don't want to keep trying when everyone else just gives up and maybe "a good sleep and a long laugh" will fix me. Maybe after I get through yet another crazy weekend I can figure life out?

These questions were raised by a blogger named Rachel who wrote about being asked this same question and how it brought her clarity to finally speak it out loud. Was she fixed? Not really, but she was reminded that clarity and forgiveness can only really happen when you admit what is bothering you. So here I am, fellow human. I'm admitting that I have issues and I'm putting pen to paper (or keyboard to screen) and searching for the inner clarity to allow me to continue for at least a few more months...