Spring...

As I look at my blog and see pictures of my adorable kids from last year I wonder...where did it all go? All that time? Did I live each day? Did I try new things? Am I happy? And you know the funny thing is that you can say that you live for your kids, or you do things for work or your house or whatever, but as I look back I realize that yes, I did do things for the kids but somewhere I had some minor satisfaction! Brooke will be making her First Communion tomorrow. I'm very proud of her achievements, but this one was a bit of a struggle...not for her, mind you...For me and her dad...You see, it was just one more place that she had to be by a certain time and with our hectic schedule it was crazy! But she made it! And so did we! And now that it is finished I guess there was some selfishness in having Brooke attend those classes. I can't describe why or what the root was...maybe just to prove to ourselves that we can survive this crazy schedule; I'm not sure...But then my rambled thoughts go to if I'm really happy. Is this crazy life and schedule that I'm living allowing me to be happy? Or do I just go through the motions everyday. Am I moving from one task to the next to make sure that someone else is taken care of? Or like Bon Jovi mentions in some of his songs...'everybody's broken.' Are we all broken in some way and the form of brokeness (is that really a word?) has caused us pain and depression. Do we cover up our form of brokeness with duties, places to be, people to see, tasks to be accomplished? Is everyone 'hiding' behind their schedule because they don't want to face the real situations, the real questions? Or maybe we live this life now because we think if we accomplish this all now that down the road life will be better, be different. I'm thinking that I need to live in the now...Live for the present because no one knows when 'better' is supposed to be here or if it will be here. So I guess that would mean that I need to make some changes...

In the end of all my reflection I'm not sure if I'll make changes or not, if I'll figure out if I'm really happy or if I'm broken and hiding...but at least I know that I have questions that eventually I'll be able to answer.

Quotes

Tyler has had some great quotes lately and I know that if I don't write them down I won't remember them!

While talking to my mom about Brooke's recent crises of me not being able to go on a field trip with her...

Me -- "So Brooke just doesn't know what to do without me there."
Tyler -- "She is going to have sit on the bus next to her friends instead of next to her mom, just like I'm gonna do!"

The wisdom of a 4 year old!

While talking to Louis over dinner...

Tyler -- "I know lots of things dad."
Louis --" Oh yeah, like what?"
Tyler -- "I know everything about cars, because I've watched my papa and uncle Chad."
Louis -- "Oh yeah, everything huh?"
Tyler -- "Yeah, everything because my papa is smart. And tractors too, I know lots about tractors."

Louis couldn't help but laugh!

On his recent struggle with going to Kindergarten...

Mom --"So Tyler, we are going to meet with Mrs. Clapes as soon as dad gets here."
Tyler -- "Lets just let dad meet with Mrs. Clapes and you and I can go home, deal?"
Mom-- "No, you and I are going to go in also and see the classroom."
Tyler -- "I bet it looks just like my classroom with Mrs. Vicki, I'm good, lets go."

Just FYI, we are still struggling a little with that situation but it is getting better!

sick...

So, I'm going on week number 2 of feeling crappy. Frustration has set in because I have a million things to do and no motivation in which to accomplish it. I can't sleep because of the pain. Work drags on for years. My workouts have been non existent (which is making me even more frustrated). Now I fully understand how Brooke felt a few weeks ago when she was complaining. I pushed her and she was happy that I did but now I feel like a sub par mom, I should have just let her stay home and relax. Not that I'm at home mind you!

I know the world is trying to teach me a lesson...let me just mention that it doesn't need to be quite so mean. I'm listening, world...now can you give me a break? Please? I'm begging!

Disturbing...

About once a week I find a few minutes to read a magazine, book etc. Usually I find great things to read that either teach me or inspire me. Sometimes I read silly things like People and tend to realize how normal my life really is and occasionally I read something that is really disturbing. Well today, I found my 10 minutes and was reading People and the article was about this lady who had teenage kids 13 and 16. She shot the kids twice in the head killing both of the them because (and I quote) " they talked back, they were mouthy and she was tired of it." She shot the boy after she drove him home from soccer practice and the girl while she was doing her homework. Are you kidding me? Please tell me what 13 and 16 year child is not mouthy or pushing their limits? I can't even find words to express my total disgust at this woman. Meanwhile, the dad / husband is 1/2 world away, working. Enough of the details. What kills me, is that there are so many people out there who can't have children, who have issues with kids not making it because of a disease or car accident etc. And the anguish of these people is amazing...to the point that I could not even imagine it. Yet here is this woman who can't figure out how to just walk away and count to 10, she buys a gun for the sole purpose of killing her children.

I know, I have said I would sell my children, drop them off at the fire station, trade them in for a new model etc. But I have never meant it, for more than 5 minutes.

When I was talking to someone and told them this story the response I got was..."That just goes to show that there are some crazy people out there." I'm sorry...this is so far past crazy the two aren't even in the same zip code. At least they put the lady in jail with no bail...but seriously...

Revelations!

So out with friends the other night and one of them said..."If you put the worlds problems in a pile and you could choose any of them, most people would take back their own problems." I didn't really think about that until I got this email that said "Realize that life is a school and you are here to learn. Problems are simply part of the curriculum that appear and fade away but the lessons you learn will last a lifetime." So twice in 3 days I was reminded that my problems aren't that bad...and the funny thing, I didn't think my issues were that bad. Sure, there are days when negative takes over and everything seems horrid. But you know what, I know how to deal with the problems I have. I know how to fix the issues I've got. Ok, well, maybe not all the issues but I've got them all under control. I don't want to take on anyone else's issues or figure out another set of problems. So it is true, I would take my batch back out of the pile, and then following code I will learn my lesson from those issues.

There are days...either full of energy or not....they still go on.

So the exact definition of the word exhausted is drained of energy or effectiveness; extremely tired. Completely emptied of resources or properties... So explain please, why we as a society push so hard that we do this to ourselves?

My family and I went on vacation. Aside from when it was late I don't remember ever being tired, the whole week... We returned from vacation Sunday morning and ever since I don't think I haven't been not tired. I feel like I'm dying a slow miserable death and hoping that eventually I'll fall into a sleep induced abyss. Until then, I've had very short spurts of fabulously interrupted sleep and jumped back into my crazy schedule head first. Nothing like easing back into life right?

I don't have answers to why we push so hard. Because really, it doesn't matter if the laundry goes one more day or the dishes stay clean in the dishwasher an extra night but still we feel like we must get it 'all' done right?

Anyway, this is life. And we all go through it, whether it be in a coma zombie state or in such a mind that is full of inspiration and energy!

Happy New Year!

So the New Year has come and gone...with it I've heard many people mentioning their 'resolutions' and it prompted me thinking! I believe that we (as a country) dwell far too much on the negative sides of us and not enough on the positive aspects that we possess. Don't misunderstand, I'm proud of people recognizing their faults and making efforts to right those faults. However, doesn't everyone have faults? And isn't it easy to find those? Lets instead look at all the great things we accomplish each and every day. For some of us it might be as simple as getting out of bed on time or getting to work without having a meltdown. For others it may be bigger accomplishments like running a marathon or eating healthy for a meal. My idea to all of this is to focus more on the great aspects of ourselves.

Instead of saying that I shouldn't have acted so silly at that party, maybe we should say that I had fun at that party and I'm glad I was invited. Or instead of focusing on all the things we shouldn't have said or on the things we should have said but didn't, maybe we should focus on all the great things we offer! Or maybe our resolutions should be more positive focused...instead of saying I'm going to loose weight, we should say we are going have healthier meals or we are going to start an exercise program.

Don't misunderstand. I'm proud of all the people that realize they have issues and they are taking strides to correct that... one of lifes biggest lessons is that no one is perfect, all of us have faults. Maybe our question should be closer to am I happy with the person I am?

After living the previous 29 years in a very toe the line type of way I've discovered that it is ok to have fun and be silly sometimes. No one holds it against you and sometimes your a better person in the end. Don't get me wrong I still take things very seriously when it comes to being a good parent and other responsibilities but I've also realized that life is also about enjoying the moment and that it is ok to do that.

Good luck for the New Year! Keep in mind that no one is perfect, we all have flaws and issues and many times we are ok with those. Congratulations to those of you that are making strides to adjust your flaws and congratulations to those of you that are happy with who you are!