This whole mom thing ...

I remember the day I had Brooke, the craziness in the room, the almost dying part, after she arrived how I was left in the room to watch bowling at 2 AM. I remember the following days and weeks of no sleep, changing diapers, giant snow storms. I remember thinking 'When Brooke is this age things will be easier, when Brooke starts school things will be easier, when Brooke starts driving life will be easier.' Well friends, I lied. EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.

This week I took Brooke on her first college visit. And I waited until I got home … and then I cried. I can't even really tell you why I cried except that I think for 15 years I kept thinking things would be easier because she wouldn't be so dependent and now all I want is for things to stay the same. I want her to still need me. I want her to text me someone rolls their eyes at her and I want to know what she learned in class today and who she laughed with (or at).

For almost 16 years I have become so connected to what she is doing and how she is doing it that I can't imagine not. And not only can I not imagine it, I don't want to.

Now she starts that application process … and I will help her (and support her) and every time she turns the other way or leaves the room I will probably cry again because reality is coming that she will continue to move on with her life. Whoever suggested this whole mom thing … they were wrong! It is hard and mean, it makes you sick (literally) and then beautifully you become attached … so it hurts when they all grow up, when they don't need you, when independence finally kicks in.

Here is to hoping she still calls me (every few hours.)