Reflections ...

As the craziness of life threatens to over take a person, I tend to revert back to things that always helped in the past. Things that could make sense of the struggles or things that could bring clarity and perspective. I guess I've always known that writing can bring that clarity or therapy or perspective and all too often I ignore it. So here I am ... not sure what to write about. I could put down on paper all the chaos and unstable feelings I have but that isn't the point, right? In days and months from now when I come back to read this do I want to know what the struggle was, or do I want to remember that yes, I struggled... but then I learned, grew and became a better person? And at the end of it all, it doesn't matter how I got here, only that I'm here making positive impacts on this world.

All too often when I sit down to write the first things that come to mind are the kids accomplishments. Why is it, that it is so much easier to write about literally everyone else's successes? Is it because we feel like we are bragging, or ungrateful or self centered if we write about ourselves? I suppose it is easier to write about others also because they won't take the time to write about themselves.

Following tradition, I'm going to write about my kids... right now they seem to pre-occupy much of my world. They are good at reminding me of the good things that are happening and they also are good at reminding me at what I'm forgetting or how I'm not holding it together. I guess I was probably the same way, and my parents would probably argue that I still am...

Tyler has some big things happening at school... they are going to Ameritowne next week (a field trip where the kids 'run' the town for the day). They have a job they have to interview for, they have a bank account and bills. For the day they have to be responsible. Tyler has run for Mayor of the town and has made it down to the final 4. He is so happy. Here I took him for the local accountant, or Bank President, but he had to go show me up... It is good to see him happy and successful among his peers. There have been many days when Tyler wondered if he fit in, because the other kids were messing around when they shouldn't or struggling with a concept when he understood right away. There are days that he hated to go to school because he couldn't handle the kid sitting across from him or he was tired for the teacher.

And in other 'Tyler' news, his soccer team won the last tournament...

Over the weekend Brooke tried out for the Poms team for Pomona... Many people would say that Brooke is a 'shoe-in' because she has danced for so long. What most people don't understand is that Brooke is a ballet/lyrical/contemporary dancer, Poms is a hip-hop/glorified jazz type dance team. Brooke has never even had a hip-hop class that she finished, so her nerves were through the roof. In fact Brooke said after the first day of try outs "This is fun and all mom but not better than Cindy's ballet and Abby's Jazz on Tuesday's ... I won't give those up."  Luckily for her, she won't have to. Brooke made the Poms team, and you know the best part of it? It isn't that she made the team, it isn't that she was validated of being a talented dancer. It was the reaction of the other girls that were there checking the sheet when she was. They were older girls, obviously been through the process before and they congratulated her, talked to her, and welcomed her with such an accepting attitude that it showed me hope in this world. For too long girls have been cruel and mean and jealous and too busy breaking each other down instead of building each other up. I can't express how happy I am to see the positive energy.

I also love to see that somewhere under the dresses and growing up, she still has a little bit of kid in there...

For the positive side of my break down this morning. Keep in mind that I'm usually a level headed, and nice and optimistic kind of girl. I say 'good morning' and 'how are things' and try to do the simple things in life. This morning I did not ... I walked straight to my office and sat down and tried to concentrate on my day. It didn't work... my plan of diving into my work. But what did happen, when I cried ... 2 people completely stepped out of their comfort zone and they tried to help me, tried to put things into perspective and showed me that at the end of the day they care. It isn't the normal 2 people that are always the ones helping me, or shedding light for me or trying to be my savior ... So for that I am forever grateful. Of course, neither one of them will speak of this morning or my break down either, so I'm pretty grateful for that also.

I usually turn to running, at times like this when I feel like I'm loosing it all, when I can't figure things out. And running usually helps, with the steps seeming to help wipe it all away. But running doesn't work when I'm supposed to be working, or just finished a workout or whatever ... So I'm grateful that I remembered, just a few reflections or sentences to help the day feel just a bit better. I once heard a quote the went something like "...we as writers put pen to paper to try and make sense of it all ... " I'm not trying to make sense of it all, just make it through another day and hope for more positive things tomorrow.