If you really, really knew me ...

If you really, really knew me you would know that I struggle immensely with the battle of trying to be perfect. Yes, I know that I try on an almost daily basis to convince Brooke that she doesn't need to be perfect. Everyone makes mistakes, everyone has bad days, everyone messes up and it is ok, its how we learn and grow and move forward as humans. Why, then is it so difficult to forgive those silly mistakes and move forward? And in my quest to make up for those mistakes I have formed this person that does too much. Too much to the point that there is nothing left for me. And is this new person really making up for past mistakes or just making myself a stressed out human? And sometimes I say that I do these things for the kids, but am I really? Especially when my own kids aren't even there to benefit. And how in the world do I expect to 'make a better place for the kids' when I don't even know what a better place looks/feel like?

Most people know that I volunteer a lot, at school, at the dance studio, with soccer, running clubs, working with young girls and the list goes on. I also work, full time (or try to) and try to be a fantastic mom and wife. And I guess I should re-evaluate, why do I think I need to be fantastic? Wouldn't great be fine also?

And I guess the bigger question is do the kids really want me to do this much stuff or do I do it out of obligation? And what is that obligation exactly? And is all of this stemming from me just needing a pity party for myself?

I guess we all have those days where we don't want to be the strong ones anymore, we don't want to keep trying when everyone else just gives up and maybe "a good sleep and a long laugh" will fix me. Maybe after I get through yet another crazy weekend I can figure life out?

These questions were raised by a blogger named Rachel who wrote about being asked this same question and how it brought her clarity to finally speak it out loud. Was she fixed? Not really, but she was reminded that clarity and forgiveness can only really happen when you admit what is bothering you. So here I am, fellow human. I'm admitting that I have issues and I'm putting pen to paper (or keyboard to screen) and searching for the inner clarity to allow me to continue for at least a few more months...

Competiton Season Starts This Weekend...

Brooke has her first competition of the season this weekend. Lou and I have been busy helping at the studio with props, costumes, cleaning dances (what little help I am with that) organizing backstage, makeup etc...The list is endless really... Brooke is performing her first solo this year and I can't really put into words how I'm feeling about the whole situation. Brooke is so excited/nervous/happy and I just don't want to be that mom that stresses her out. I've made arrangements with another mom to be back there with her so I can watch, but honestly, I don't know if I can. Every time I think about her performing I start to tear up...I don't know if it is because the amount of 'pride' I feel for how amazing she is overwhelms me, or if I'm just so nervous for her. Lou tells me that I'm crazy...but maybe it is just because I'm a mom...All the other parents (who have kids that have performed before) have told me they sit in the audience and cry like a baby with the first one...then after that it is old hat. I hope they are right...I'm not sure I can do this every competition...

 

Since August (when Brooke started working on this dance) she has done amazing at

 perfecting each move, struggling with strength and balance and even flexibility and I'm so happy to see how far she has come. There are days when she feels as if she has made no progress and it still feels like she is struggling...but watching her improve has been fascinating.

So I guess we can be sure that I'll be 'that' mom crying in the audience (don't worry I'll do my best to hide it from Brooke) but I'll also be her biggest fan...That one that tells her how great she does even if she misses a landing or a step or smile or whatever.

I read a post today that was "16 Things We Forget To Thank Our Moms For" Here is the link (http://thoughtcatalog.com/kate-bailey/2014/02/16-things-we-forget-to-thank-our-moms-for/) It should also say Dad's...but regardless it reminded me that while our kids don't necessarily understand everything we are doing for them now...they will. The may never, ever tell us what we meant to them, but deep down we know if we are great parents or not. I guess at the end of the day, my kids can 'Thank' me for what is on that list because I was/am that mom and that also makes all the tears that I will shed totally worth it. 

Kauai 2014

The best thing about coming home from Kauai (trust me, I had to think for a long time about this) was that it was not 5 degrees when our plane landed. I told you I struggled to come up with something positive.

 

 

The miniature golf place was also a plantation of sorts that gave a ton of history of the islands and their formation. Brooke actually needed this for some of her make up homework. And anyone doubted I could turn a vacation into a learning experience.

 

In my opinion Kauai is a little piece of heaven on Earth. The lush green plants every where, the waterfalls, the hikes and mountains and ocean and beaches all so close together filled with a very laid back community makes this place amazing. I keep saying I'm moving there, however the opportunity has yet to present itself.

 

The last time we went to Kauai a few years ago, we wanted to see everything. We drove a crazy amount to make that possible. Before we even left this time I vowed not to be in the car that long. We stayed on the north side of the Island and we hiked, kayaked, played miniature golf, hiked more, played at the beach and let the kids play at the pool. Outside of our condo was a golf course, I decided running on the trail there (although frowned upon by locals I'm sure) would be fabulous. Miles and miles of trails that no one is using early in the morning.

 

This was at the bottom of our first hike, It is called Queensbath. Locals believe that it is very dangerous trail to get to and when the tide is high the waves can be scary. Therefor they had signs everywhere. Brooke and Tyler loved the hike, the scenery, everything. Just an FYI... Tyler was there the whole time, just so far ahead of me that I didn't capture any pictures of the boy. So apparently Brooke is all you get to see.

 

One of the waterfalls along the trail.

 

 

Another one. Amazing scenery!

 

 

 

This is the little shack where we rented Kayaks. The guy told us to go until we saw turtles, it will be worth it, he said...7 miles later I'm not so sure that my white skin and very weak shoulder muscles thought it was worth it. It was though, all my sarcastic comments aside, the river banks were beautiful.

 

 

The river that we kayaked meets the ocean. Brooke said she was going to jump out of the kayak if I even thought about going out into the ocean. I guess all my hope from last year that some of her fears had subsided were a little premature.

 

 

The fish that the kids fed every morning. I'm telling you, the mouths of these fish were so big they could have taken my foot off.

 

 

A friendly goat that the kids liked to feed. He must have had braces, his teeth were so straight.

 

Brooke made her own fresh flower lei...It was way more fun to make it than actually wear it.

 

 

Yes, there is a rum distillery. Yes, I found it. Would you expect any different from me? They taught me how to make the cutest Mai Tai ever!

 

 

Our first morning there. We were so happy to be away from the cold!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 



Final thoughts on the running streak

So I did it! 36 days of running everyday. The shortest mileage I did was a 1.6 mile loop close to the house and I probably did that 1 time per week. My longest was 8-9 miles and I think I did that also about once a week. My weekly mileage increased every week from when I started and overall I ran over 140 miles. For some that doesn't sound like much but for me that is a lot. Whoever told me that I would have sore spots was right... until I had my first rest day yesterday. I think they are just phantom aches and pains. I did not race on the last day. I don't know if I should have or not but I mentally wasn't up for it. A friend that did the streak with me did the race and had a killer time...so I'm thinking we are stronger than we were.

My next race is the Yeti Chase 10K so I guess I'll find out then if I'm stronger or not. I'm headed to warmer climates tomorrow...and I'm so excited to run at sea level again. I'm not saying I'll start another streak, but perhaps an every other day deal. I'm happy to not have the pressure on me to run but I'm sad that I missed a day now. Funny how this runners brain works.

By the way... I wish I was as big of a deal as that couple that ran a marathon everyday in 2013 ... those people are crazy... And I complained about a measly 36 days. 

Oh by the way, Christmas was good. My kids were super excited with what Santa brought them and it was nice to spend some family time together. I did however, get the day bug and ended up staying home on Christmas night. New Years was fun also. It was great to hang out with some friends we hadn't seen in awhile.

Things I've Learned With 3 Days Left ...

With 3 days left in this running challenge... I want to share things I have learned...

• You can run when you have the flu -- It might not be pretty, or fast or even a little bit enjoyable but it can be done. And it may have saved me from actually throwing up.
• You can actually run every day for over 30 days ... and you won't die. You will be sore, have fatigued muscles, be tired and such but you won't die.
• Your body can run more miles than you ever thought possible. And although it is difficult, running more miles than last week is possible.
• You become more and more creative with your time the busier that life gets.
• You figure out that running on your lunch break is not ideal but is possible.
• You learn how to run in 0 degree temperatures, it isn't fun but it is possible and although you feel like the Michelin man it isn't all bad.
• When you run in fresh snow it is possible for snow balls to build in the tow of your shoes. That actually isn't that enjoyable either.
• People have a hard time learning how to shovel their sidewalk.
• When fatigue does set in, you must pay attention to changes in the road, otherwise there is a very real possibility of tripping.
• Running with friends tends to be more enjoyable than running alone.
• You will dread everyday because of having to fit a run in, but then after the run is finished you feel that much closer to your goal.
• This challenge has taken up far more time than I ever imagined.
• Rest days are very much enjoyed -- I promise to enjoy more of them from now on. 

There are probably a million more little things I have learned, and I know that I have complained about what I signed up for almost every day but the bottom line is I'm probably stronger than I was. I'm still in shape (to run) and my jeans fit a little better than they did before. So far I don't have any negative outcomes which means it must have all be worth it. There is even a small possibility that I will do it again next year...remember I did say small...

Now if I can just get through these next 3 days.

Running Challenge Update!

So the challenge was/is to run at least 1 mile everyday between Christmas and New Years. When you sign up for stuff like this you don't ever think about the day to day troubles that one will have trying to fit a run in. Some of the day to day situations have been ... how much laundry that one produces running in 0 degree temps, how tired one becomes from running every day, how annoying run tracking apps can be. When you sign up for things like this you think about how happy you will be when you are done, how strong you will be etc. Probably that's the glamour that makes us all want to sign up.

I can't tell you how much this is driving me crazy. I haven't actually counted how many days I have run yet, or how many days I have to go. I actually don't even care too much about the distance or how fast/slow I'm running. The girls at the club are telling me I should end it at the 5k race on January 1st. Right now the thought of running a race kinda makes me want to throw up. It is so hard to find the time and the clothes and even the motivation, for the first mile, then usually it isn't so bad. But it is Christmas time and there is so many things to do (my kids remind me on a daily basis what I haven't done). I won't lie, I'm not feeling very supported in this endeavour either. It isn't like people are telling me that they will take care of stuff so I have an extra 20 minutes. And would 20 minutes even be enough time because once you get started 5 miles maybe doesn't sound that bad. So basically we will say I hit rock bottom, I was so tired on a run early one morning (like maybe 5 am) that I guess I forgot to pick up my feet and fell. Lucky for me I learned (slowly) how to put my hands out but still got my knee. It was that point right there that I wanted to sit on the sidewalk and cry and forget the whole stupid challenge. But I picked myself up and ran home. Which was when I think my run tracker app on my phone was a little (a lot) off on the mileage. That was probably the least of my worries but combined with the rest of the run it did add to the irritation. It was then that I received a text from a friend that said we are on the downhill side, we can do this. Then the weather forecast says a balmy week in with lows not going below 25 for the week ... maybe I can do this. The ice is slowly melting off the sidewalks, and yes my knee is sore and yes I'm still tired but I'm also stronger, both mentally and physically. And I'm on the downhill side of this. When I started a guy that had done this before said "...when you run every day you don't have time for your muscles to get sore. You don't have a sore this or that." Well he is right, just extreme amounts of tight quads and calves. That tends to loosen up.

This has almost had the same mental game that happens during a race. You start off really great and then about 1/2 way through you think to yourself how dumb this all is and you will never do it again but then the last few miles come along and it all seems manageable again. Then about 2 hours after the finish you start to figure out the 'next' thing. So I'm assuming once you play this game for awhile that the game gets easier? Maybe more manageable? Maybe it doesn't... I don't know.

A girl at the running club last week said she felt so lazy, she didn't run for 4 days in a row. I looked at the one friend doing this challenge with me and we both said we couldn't wait to have 4 days off in a row. I wonder if I'll think the same after this is over. Or if I'll even be able to go 4 days without running.

Annual Krapes Christmas Letter...

Here we are in December yet again and my cards went out today with no letter in, again. I actually like posting it online. I guess I don't care that much that creepy people can read about us. I don't have that exciting of a life. We had a great year, my kids are growing up, heck before I know it they will be leaving and Lou and I will be on our own...Not sure I can handle that right now.

 

 

We were blessed to be able to take a number of vacations this year. I'm so grateful that my mom and dad like us well enough to invite us along on their excursions. We went to Cabo, Mexico in January. We had a great time with the short plane flight, with the beach, swimming in the ocean, and exploring downtown. We had a few weekends in Beaver Creek, which my kids love to do, we went to Las Vegas with the dance company so Brooke could compete at Nationals and then we had an excursion to Arizona for Thanksgiving. I think it is safe to say that my kids have been more places in their short lives so far than I have. I think that means spoiled, but I could be wrong.

 

 

My little man...Tyler has been a giant inspiration to all of us. He is so fun and happy (90% of the time). He is in second grade and in his words he is "still waiting for the teachers to trick him." Although I'm happy he is a confident I'm a little sad that he has yet to be 'tricked.' Tyler has been blessed with having a teacher that is up on the technology curve and he has the luxury of having his own mini I-pad to learn on for the school year. He has been very excited about that. Tyler is still playing soccer. In the spring it was still small, 3 vs 3, but in the fall it changed to a bigger field with a goalie and more players. Lou also took over coaching in the fall which turned out to be a bit of a learning curve for both of them. This winter he will continue with indoor soccer. In the summer Tyler ran track, which he loved (although he would deny it today). The track coaches really like his ethics and he had fun at practice. No meets for him though. In his words he would have to get up too early to go. The other really exciting thing for Tyler! This summer is was finally comfortable to swim in the whole neighborhood pool. By the end of the summer he was jumping off the high dive (AKA the lifeguard stand) into the deep water. For anyone that knows us very well we all know what a big deal this is. Finally Tyler started playing the piano in February. He is a natural. He performed his first recital in April (Old McDonald) but since then has made great progress. I'm so proud that he has found a few hobbies that he keeps busy with. When Tyler isn't busy with his own soccer, school and piano he is busy with the sport of the season. Right now is pretty busy with football (Peyton Manning), hockey and basketball. The funny fact about all of this is that he knows so many random facts about teams that I couldn't possibly begin to remember.

 

Brooke is in 5th grade this year. She is also privileged with an amazing teacher who is also up on the technology curve. She is lucky to also get I-Pads in her classroom. So three classroom's in the whole school have the devices and my kids are both in the classes. We couldn't be more fortunate. She again is motivated to challenge herself in all subjects. I'm happy to see that. Brooke is such a perfectionist that it sure can be frustrating when things don't go quite as perfect as she would have hoped. Brooke is still playing the piano. She is doing well despite the fact that she doesn't have a ton of time to practice. Lucky for us we have a great teacher that is patient. Brooke is still dancing an amazing amount. This past year was her first year of competitions. She had three different dances that she competed for most of the season and she wasn't in love with any of them. Her group did well enough to make it to the national competition so off we went to Las Vegas. Let me be the first to say that taking 10 year old to Vegas was not mom of the year material. Hopefully we don't have to go back to Vegas with children for awhile. This dance season Brooke has learned a solo, and 4 other dances. She seems to like these dances a lot more so hopefully there will be more positive behavior out of the situation. Brooke also had the opportunity to work with some choreographers from Chicago and Florida, she has done workshops with many big names in the dance industry. I'm not sure she even understands the amazing opportunities she has had. My little Brooke is growing to be such an amazing young lady. I'm just hoping the pre-teen attitude passes us by.

 

 

It is so much easier to talk about my kids, or really anyone else. I am still working at Four To Go. As a business we are doing well. I have had help making an e-commerce site for the business and although it is still a work in progress it is starting to do great things. In the process of that I was working a lot and my attitude was reflecting that I wasn't doing what I wanted. I've been leading the running club. It has been fun to be associated with such a great group of ladies. We went to Palisade again to run the race through the vineyards near Grand Junction, and although I didn't have a great race I had fun during the trip. I've started racing 10k's also. I'm not super excited about my times yet, but like everything else in life its a work in progress. I still try to help out in the kids classroom every few weeks and I've done my fair share of re-learning to help the kids with their homework. Recently, as I'm sure you have read on my blog I have taken up a running challenge where you run at least a mile every day from Thanksgiving to New Years. You can read all about my adventures with that challenge on previous posts. 15 days into it though, I'm glad I started and will be even happier when it is over. It is a whole lot harder than I thought it would be.

 

My dear Lou, works... alot. There is no other way to say it, so the nights that he is home we take full advantage of having him around. Like I also mentioned he is coaching Tyler's soccer team. He is good for the boys and he is having a great time with them. Lou also has been volunteered / nominated to be Vice President of the PTA at the kids school. As if the guy didn't already have enough to do. I try to help out when I can, but I also have to be careful not to step on anyone's toes. Lou has been very supportive of all the crazy running ideas I come up with, he is always the first to help out when someone needs it. For example, the dance company was moving studio locations. Midnight, one night, he was on his way home and saw them working. Instead of driving by he stopped to help and ended helping for 3-4 hours and ended up with only a few hours sleep. Sometimes his go getter attitude kills me, but other times I'm happy he is as motivated as I am.

 

 

Again, thank you for reading my yearly re-cap. I try not to sugar coat it and make it seem like everything in our life is perfect, believe me, some days are super difficult to get through. In the end we are happy, healthy and living a very full life.

 

 

 

We wish everyone the best! A very exciting and happy New Year, a Very Merry Christmas filled with friends, family and lots of fun.